Unapologetically Abby

5 weeks ago I stopped taking my duloxetine. I’d been on it for 2 years in total, but my dosage got doubled from 60mg to 120mg when I became super depressed, and after 3 months on the higher dosage I couldn’t take it anymore.

It was making me worse. So I stopped taking it. Stupidly I didn’t wean myself off it. One day I was on it, the next I wasn’t. For the 3 weeks I was off it I was a nervous wreck. Any anxious thought that came into my head I would shake like a leaf and sweat. My body would be so tense and I couldn’t shake the feeling. I came close to a few panic attacks too. But I mean, I felt better, in myself. I felt happier.

Mum being mum interfered and was adamant I needed new meds. I rang the doctors. Didn’t actually get chance to speak to the mental health nurse due to my hours at work but she spoke for me. Annoying because she only really knows 20% of the feelings I feel. But nevertheless, I appreciate her wanting to help. Got given a new prescription the same day. Mental health nurse said he would ring to talk to me a week later to see how I’m getting on. He rang. I didn’t answer. “I don’t need to speak to him?”

I’m now on mirtazapine. A medication that I’m struggling to get to grips with how to pronounce. Mer-taz-a-pine. I think that’s it.

Mum told the mental health nurse that I don’t sleep, so the biggest side effect of my new meds is drowsiness/sleepiness. That’s great for my overwhelming anxiety when I don’t tick everything off my 20 item long daily to-do-list because I’ve took my meds and I’m dribbling within 20 minutes. Lol. They knock me out completely and I wake up in the morning confused.

Usually I wake up remembering going to sleep because I’d lie there each night and go over everything I did that day (mostly focusing on the negatives like when she said “hello, you alright?” Why did I reply with “hi, you alright?” Why didn’t I say yes thanks are you??? She must think I’m so dumb) and everything that’s on my to-do-list tomorrow that I MUST complete.

But anyway, now I wake up not remembering going to sleep and it’s weird. Because I haven’t had to force myself. I haven’t had to lie there for 2, 3, 4 hours going over every thought in my head.

Another side effect is weight gain. As if I haven’t gained enough already in the however many lockdowns we have had. I didn’t need to look good, I wasn’t going anywhere. But I’ve done 3 gym trials at different gyms, I’ve started jogging, eating clean and I have another trial on Monday. Hopefully this means I won’t gain weight.

Anyway, I didn’t want to change my meds. When I first started on anti depressants 2 1/2 years ago I was gagging, feeling sick, constantly tired and wanting a nap when I had 18792 uni assignments and a part time job, I didn’t have time for a nap!!! I work full time now and I didn’t want it to affect my work. It hasn’t, that much. I’m ok. I just feel “fine”. Less tired, a little less emotional, VERY irritable and not much happier. But we’ll see how it goes.

Love,

Abby x