Unapologetically Abby

I feel so stressed. Last week I had a day apart from my boyfriend, whose house I live at practically 6 days a week (he lives almost 2 hours away from my “home” so I’m often isolated from my “real” life, worries, responsibilities when I’m there) and I found myself in my thoughts. One of the biggest reasons I hate being alone with my mind unoccupied. And one of the biggest reasons why I find it so hard to be in my own company.

I sat back and thought like, what even is my life? I felt stuck in a rut. I’m a psychology graduate who took a gap year, after finishing my degree and before starting my masters, because I became really depressed. I’m in a job in which I see no future and getting paid not far off minimum wage. It’s just something to get me by whilst I take my gap year and save for a new car/deposit on a house. I’m in a relationship in which I see no future, I still live with my mum and I barely see my friends because I’m always at my boyfriends (yes the one I see no future with). And the ball wasn’t rolling when it came to furthering my education and going back to university to become qualified enough to do my dream job.

I have been saying I’m just “going with the flow” but how long can I go with the flow for before I look at my life and realise I’m going no where and I’m wasting my time?

So anyway, I’ve gave myself a kick up the arse and I made some small progress. I’m on stage 8 out of 9 in applying for my MSc. I have to write a research proposal and a new personal statement – I lost my old one somewhere in my many USB drive folders. But I’m getting through it. I’ve applied for new jobs. I love my co-workers and the SEND children I work with currently, but I need a contract to be able to get a mortgage on my own house in the next year (that’s the plan).

I’ve put on two stone. Big cry. This time last year I was at my lightest, this time this year I’m at my heaviest. I hate myself for it. But lockdown and depression are both good excuses I suppose *insert crying emoji here*. I haven’t been working out since my gym shut down and obviously, COVID. Next thing on my to-do-list is to join a new gym and get this timber back off.

I really hope things turn around for me. In the next month I’m hoping to have been accepted onto my MSc mental health and forensic psychology course at the Uni of Manchester, and to be in a new full time teaching assistant job (contracted not agency/bank). I want to be at least a stone lighter, wishful thinking here? And I want to feel like I’ve got my life in check.

One part of me is saying, but Abb… you’re only 22. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now darling! Stop stressing and go have fun! And the other part of me is like ?????? Abby, you need to sort your life out what ARE you doing!!! You’ll have no future no money no babies no nothing!!

Life is just one stress after another. I feel like in the past 3-4 years of my life I’ve been through hell and back. Of course there’s positives to come out of it but it’s so hard to consider them when the negatives have been so much more frequent. I just hope I can tell my story one day with pride of how no matter what happened, I always pulled through and I always did exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I’m feeling disheartened right now, but we’ll see.

I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon enough. I just want reassurance that I’m on the right path. But there’s no one to give me that. Not even myself.

I need to believe in myself more, but wouldn’t you agree that more often than not the mistakes you make are brought into light and all the brilliant things you do often go ignored? A bit like the whole theme of this blog post. Why is it that we are so quick to focus on the mistakes we make and tear ourselves up about it but never give ourselves a pat on the back for all of the wonderful things we do? I really am my own worst enemy.